I’m pretty tired of my job and school and pretty much everything in my life.
I can’t seem to ever have things together. If I were to take a picture of my room, people might cry. It’s disgustingly filthy and I’m either too tired or working or going to school to even clean it.
And when I do get the motivation to clean it, 30 minutes in I am almost falling on my bed in excruciating pain because of my back. Thank you, fucking doctors. No, it’s not better. I don’t care about anything else, I can walk and exercise just fine without pain but if I start bending down to do house work or chores just picking up shit, I want to cry. Like what the mother fucking shit.
And I am so tired of hearing about all this healthy bullshit from everything. Every bitch at my work is on a perpetual diet when they’re all like stick thin. Always complaining about something or another and I just want to punch them. How is it you’re complaining about ONLY LOSING 4 pounds in a week when you’ve done nothing but cut soda from your diet or whatever. Like just shut up. I can’t lose weight for shit. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, doesn’t work. But nope, nothing’s wrong with me. I just have to do it. Well fuck you it’s not fucking doing anything no matter how much I do it!
Mostly the biggest thing bothering me is my room, I want to cry. And I need new clothing for spring/summer which is here because this is fucking Florida and it’s 80 degrees already. Fuck.
I don’t have the money for these new clothes I absolutely NEED because I have nothing. And what I do have looks just awful on me. I’m going to hate my body, that’s not going to change. I’ve accepted it. But I can at least try to look fucking decent in it and feel semi good about myself.
I kinda wish I could just sleep in bed after having sex instead of having to drive someone home or leave to go home myself and wallow in my bed alone thinking of how stupid I’ve been lately.
My diet pills came today.
I don’t even know if they’re diet pills, they seem like those “natural supplement” things. Oh well, we’ll see how this goes.
Hopefully better than my current methods which seem to be null and void. :\
I got into a car accident in June, been doing physical therapy since November and finally my doc says I can get an MRI and hopefully move this lawsuit along.
Alex is completely healed up though, which is good. But I might have permanent damage if it’s not fixed by now apparently, hence the MRI.
Which that’s bittersweet… :(
On one hand, I have permanent back damage which enables me to do a lot of things, hopefully I can still get back into ballet though when I lose some weight.
On the other hand, I get pain and suffering money from the lawsuit. So I guess it’s all on how you look at it :]
His birthday is the 19th and its pretty late to start trying to buy stuff now but better late than never, right?
I just spent the last hour and a half browsing the internet for nice things to wear for him and finally found some amazing things, and spent 178 dollars on it D’:
It’ll be worth it though, whether they come by Tuesday or later. I’ve told him that I’m his until the end of next weekend, for his birthday week :3
You guys have to understand that I never go all out for my fellas >.>